Freedom
by Jade8
Summary: She always wanted to be free. When she was little she had given up her freedom for the sake of another’s happiness. As she grew up she forgot that she wasn’t free. She forgot what it was like to feel true freedom. And then he came into her world. REV
1. Default Chapter

It started when she was little. The mother had such high expectations of her. The mother had given up so much and wanted so much for her child to have every advantage in life. So the mother dreamed. And eventually the mothers dream somehow became her dream, even though she hadn't chosen it. How could she disappoint the mother, the one who loved her so much and had such high hopes for her. So she worked to achieve the dream that was really the mothers. But when she began to only live the mothers dream, she stopped allowing herself to dream for herself. She was trapped in a world she hadn't created.

That's when she discovered books. The were like a magical answer to all her problem. Her head no longer had to be empty, it could be fulled, with the hopes and secrets of others. It could be filled with stories and knowledge. But pretty soon she couldn't help but dream. All those books she read trying to fill up her head with other peoples dreams began to have it's own. She couldn't help herself, she began to dream. She panicked. 

She began writing, to put these dreams and thoughts and ideas muddling her mind on a piece of paper instead of locked inside her head. Once she got them all out her mind was clear again, filled only with the dream which wasn't really hers. More ideas kept coming and she just kept writing them all down. People said she wrote beautifully, wondered where she had gotten such talent. She never told anyone, because how do you explain that your writing is really just your mind trying to be free when you wont let it. Before her mother tried to make this part of the dream, she said it herself. This kept it as her own thing, her mother could never make it otherwise

As she grew up, the mothers dream was always there. Eventually it was forgotten that it was the mothers dream and it became hers. She had forgotten that she had added to the dream, to at least make it part her own. She forgot that she wasn't free. She thought it was what she wanted and that she was free. Yet she still read. She didn't remember that it was her way of fining freedom. She still wrote. She didn't remember that it was her way of keeping focus on the dream, which wasn't really hers. She forgot what true freedom was, forgot that she had given it up to please another.


	2. freedom 2

A/n for the record all events of season one have occurred. Same with season two except there was a conversation between a certain blond and a certain young lady that was never seen. The following is about that conversation. 

  
  


She slowly walked towards him, hoping he hadn't yet noticed her. He had. He had seen her the second she had entered the area. He watched her come over to him and a smile played across her lips. Almost every time they talked it turned into a verbal sparring and he was in the mood. He turned to his locker, so as not to let her know her had seen her. He felt a hand on his arm, he turned around. She asked if they could talk.

The waked off into a quieter area. He sat down and waited for her to begin.

-"what exactly is wrong. You've been so different this year. You keep getting yourself in trou..."

She said

-"oh g-d not from you too. I get enough of that crap from everyone else and I am not going to sit here and get another lecture on my behaviour and my responsibilities and my future."

-"I'm not trying to lecture you, I'm just worried you might...be having problems with something, and this is your way of acting out." she said

-"so you want to play little miss psychiatrist, how bout you look into your own life, cause it's pretty messed up."

-"What's that supposed to mean?"

-"When was the last time you did something for yourself?"

-What's that got to do with anything?" she asked

-"Just answer the question," she was silent "I thought so" he said "You can't answer the question because you never have, you live to please everyone but yourself, pretty screwed up if you ask me." 

-"you want to talk about screwed up," she said "or living to please everyone else, you're a fine one to talk about that, you can't even see that that's exactly what you do." she said

-"Ah but that's where your wrong, I do know that I'm supposed to please everyone else, but I don't care, I do what I want. And even if that wasn't enough, at least I can see my trap. You on the other hand are completely blind to the trap that you call your life. I recommend you wake up and try to live your life, instead of merely participating in it." and with that he waled away, leaving her in a blur of confusing thoughts.

She pushed that conversation to back of her head, telling herself what he said was ridiculous. But whenever she saw him, it popped into her thoughts, and she wondered. When he was sent away, she remembered watching him. She remembered the look he gave her. He was daring her to act, to do something unacceptable. As always the voice of reason told her she should ignore the challenge and walk away, keeping her trapped. But then there was another voice which told her to throw caution to the wind and do what she wanted for once, to free herself and do what she wanted to do, not what was expected of her. For a split second she considered it, but so unused to hearing that voice, she ignored it, and listened to the voice that she felt had guided her through life so far. He looked back one more time, her eyes were full of pity and disappointment, she wasn't sure but she thought his were full of the same. 

It could never have occurred to her that that moment would change her. She hadn't heard that second voice for so long, she didn't even recognize what it was; the voice of her heart. And because, even for a split second, she had considered listening to it, her hearts voice gained strength. And unknown to her, a war began between her heart and her head. It was the first step on the road to regaining her freedom.


	3. freedom 3

A/n I will not continue without reviews. Also the quote about freedom is from Eric Hoffer. The time frame of this would be season three.

"Freedom is described as the capacity to exercise choice or free will. It is to be free from restraint or oppression, it's..." She couldn't think what else to write. Her creative flow was blocked. Using a quotation to open and then your own words find the essence of freedom, all in 100 words or less. Who ever thought that Chilton would have an assignment of a hundred words or less. The assignment was meant to teach them the value of words. Her teacher said it would be counted toward their final grade.. It had sounded so simple but no matter what she wrote it just didn't seem adequate. Everything she wrote sounded like dictionary definitions, and she couldn't find any quotations which were short enough, and those that were short weren't what she needed. She gave out a frustrated sigh.

She decided coffee would help her clear her head, so she went to the diner. She walked in and requested her usual beverage. He grumbled about giving it to her. She asked him if he knew any quotes on freedom. He shook his head no and went into the kitchen.

"The aspiration towards freedom is the most essentially human of all human manifestations. The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do." he said.

She looked up and her eyes met with his. She hadn't talked to him since there fight in the market. In fact she avoided seeing him as much as possible. She looked at him again.

"Eric Hoffer" he said and without another word walked away.

She went home. Her writers block gone, she felt a sudden flow of creativity. She opened her assignment with a quote and in the required hundred words of her own, she felt she had captured the essence of freedom. She smiled, satisfied with her work. She felt a reward was just and went back to the diner with the intention to get more coffee. When she got there she saw him behind the counter. He was talking to the new girlfriend. She felt a flare of jealousy. She walked in and went up to the counter. He came over and asked what she wanted. 

"Coffee, and also, thank you. For the quote I mean, it was perfect. Thanks. Umm thank you" she stammered, embarrassed

He looked at her, then said

"you should think about it you know, it makes sense."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she said

"I just said you should think about it."

"Why?" she said "Do you think I need to consider MY freedom."

"Yes." he said bluntly and walked away.

She walked out of the diner in an angry state. On the way home she kept thinking about what he had said about her needing to consider her own freedom. She was about to toss the thought aside, an outburst of anger on his part, but then an old memory flared up, of a similar situation, an other man questioning her freedom. She became confused an continued walking instead of going home. She walked for several hours thinking not understanding. She tried to look at her life and see what the other two men saw so easily. No one from the town had ever said anything like that, her boyfriend, her mother, her best friend. None of them had questioned her freedom. Two people, from two totally different worlds, yet they had the same vision, the same ability to see a truth that she didn't see.

She looked up and found that she had walked to the bridge. She sat down on the edge and cried softly while looking at the sky. She heard a noise behind her and looked over.

"What are you doing here?" she said.

  
  


REVIEW AND I"LL CONTINUE!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. freedom 4

  
  


-"What are you doing here?" she said

-"Free country isn't it?" he said

-"You've obviously come here for a reason."

-It's that obvious huh?" he said "I should say you came here for the same reason."

-"And if I did?' she said "I knew you'd come."

-"So I'm predictable now too?" he said

-"Shut up." she said

-"You came here for a reason, what do you want from me?" he said

-"Answers. Why should I question my freedom." she said

-"Everyone should question their freedom." he said "And while were questioning, why do you care so much, hmm?"

-"I don't..I mean I, I can't explain it." she said

-"Allow me to help." he said "How often do you do what you want over what's expected."

She didn't answer him

-"How often do you not do what you want because someone told you you're not allowed? Let me guess never." 

She remained quiet

-"And am I right in guessing when you kissed me it was the first time in a long while that you did what you wanted to do, even though you knew it wasn't "right".

-"It's not like that." she said

-"Then tell me what it is like." he said

-"You can't understand what it's like, having so many people want so much good for you. You don't feel the pressure of all their good intentions. There are so many people who want for me so badly to succeed in...in everything. It's their dream for me..."

-"Their dream, not yours." he said

-"No my dream too...but," she said

-"But...no, not really. And therein lies the problem. You're living for someone else's dream. And fine it may be for you, but you're still trapped by it. And the worst part is, you don't even see it. Everything I'm saying is registering in some part of your mind, but you're going to ignore it, and tell yourself it isn't true. You have got to start living your own life, do what you want. Follow impulses. G-d anything you want just something, something to push you toward freedom."

-"How can you say that." she said

-"Because it's true, and until you realize that, you will remain trapped." he said. 

He walked away after that, leaving her to her own thoughts. Without realizing it she did exactly what he said she would. She told herself it wasn't true. She convinced herself that he was saying those things out of anger. And so she remained trapped. But every so often his word popped into her head, mixed with similar words from someone else. Her heart's voice gained strength though. She did sometimes do what she wanted, things that weren't part of the plan. But she felt so guilty doing them, that they were far and few between. So she stayed with the boyfriend like everyone expected her too. She did extra work and pulled off top marks at the expense of a lot of social events, but it was all in the name of the dream. Her heart won one battle, she choose a different school, one that wasn't the dream school. Her mother was angry when she accepted that school. Sure it was much closer to home, but it wasn't part of the dream. But she was persistent. She wanted to go to that school. She carefully explained to her mother the pros of her choice and eventually the mother relented. But otherwise, everything was going according to plan, the dream was moving at full steam ahead.

She never talked to him again, after their talk on the bridge. When they were forced to talk at the diner, the conversations were brief and one worded. She never really got over him, she seemed t have a problem with that. Every time she saw him with a girl she had a flash of jealousy, followed by a look of longing, of wishing it was her. But the webs which wove her trap were strong. 

Before she left the town, her mother threw a farewell party. Random towns folk stopped in to wish her luck and to give her cards or presents. He showed up. She hadn't expected him too. He walked over to her, handed her a card and walked out. She opened the card and it said: 

"Mankind is at its best when it is most free. This will be clear if we grasp the principle of liberty. We must recall that the basic principle of liberty is freedom of choice, which saying many have on their lips but few in their minds."   
- 

Dante Alighieri

is freedom in your mind, and if no, then why not? Individuality is freedom lived. Live.

  
  



	5. freedom 5

a/n this takes place 8 years after our current time  
  


She had fulfilled the dream. She had graduated from school, top of her class. She was offered an incredible job at a paper in Boston when she finished school, and was now one of the top journalists in the country. She had married her high school boyfriend the summer she graduated, and they had just celebrated their third anniversary. Every told her she lead a storybook life: great job, loving husband, supportive family. She knew she what she had was good, great really, but she also knew that no matter what she told others and herself, she wasn't happy. She didn't know why.

She woke up in the every night, in the middle of the night, struggling to breath. She dreamt that she was drowning, but she didn't know why. It was her only dream. She watched other people at the office sometimes, mostly the young ones, who still were on no discernable path. They told her all the time how envious they were of her life, but sometimes when they told her different stories of their lives, she felt envious of their carefree ways. She loved her job, she loved her family, but sometimes she felt like they all expected so much of her, and she had so much responsibility on her shoulders, she felt like she was going to break in half, or down. She felt like she wasn't an individual, more a sum total of random expectations, lumped together to form the being which was her. She felt no sense of herself. Felt no desires, no true goals of her own, had no dreams, but the one of drowning.

She was so young but knew so little of life. she was 25, had had one boyfriend, one career focus. The more she thought about it, the more she saw how little variety of her choosing there was in her life. she had followed almost every rule, did almost everything she was told, followed everyone's expectations of her.

One night after waking up, unable to breath, she went into the spare bedroom of the apartment. She went to the closet and took out one of her boxes. It was filled with old things of hers, papers, cards, journals, things like that. She picked out an old journal of hers from when she was 10. She opened a random page and began reading.

Feb., 13, 1995

Dear journal, 

Today I won first prize in an essay contest at school. When I told mom she got so excited. It wasn't that the news was highly unexpected. I've already won lots of writing contests. But mom seems to think that this means I'm destined to write. I know I'm pretty good, but I don't know if it's what I want to do or not. Mom has it in her head that I'm going to go to Harvard and be a world class journalists. I suppose that would be okay.

She closed the journal. She didn't remember that. It was weird to read that. She had thought that she had always wanted to be a journalist. She had always thought it was her idea to go to an ivy league school. It had always been her idea, her dream. Or was it. The thought popped in out of nowhere. She felt a sense of deja vu. She put the journal down and looked through the box some more she found an old card she couldn't remember reading. She read it and suddenly everything all fit into place. All her frustration, all her envy, all her loss of individuality, all her dreams of drowning. The last line of the card was Individuality is freedom lived. Live. That struck her like lighting. She wasn't living, she wasn't free. 

With that realization, more conversations poured into her head. She saw more and more times when her dreams were given up for the dream of an other. she cried as she finally saw the web which trapped her, the web that the others had seen, but she ad failed to recognize. She cried and cried as the truth became more evident. Her life was crumbling down on her and there was nothing she could do.

She ran out of the apartment got in her car and drove to her mothers house. When she got there she let her self in and called out for her mother. Her mother came running down the stairs, her husband at her heels. When the mother got down, all she saw was her daughter, standing there in pyjamas, her face red, tears pouring down her cheeks.

-"What's wrong, what happened, is everything okay?" the mother said.-

-"No, nothing's alright. Why did you do this to me." she said

-"Do what?" the mother said.

-"Suffocate me, fill with your dream, never letting me find my own!" she said

-"I don't understand," said the mother "calm down and please explain what you're accusing me of." The husband tactfully decided now would be a good time for a walk.

-"My whole life has been your dream. Everything I've done since I was a child has ben to fulfill your dream. I gave up dreaming for myself to make you happy, and now I'm suffering for that." she said

-"What are you saying?" said the mother

-"I'm saying I'm not happy and it's my fault, because I lived to make you happy, to make everyone else happy, and to live up to everyone's expectations." she said. She fell on to the floor and cried into her arms. The mother sat down beside her, cradling her in her arms, like a baby. She cried into her mothers arms until she fell asleep. The husband came home and carried her into her old bedroom. When she woke up in the morning no one was home. There was fresh coffee brewed though and a note beside the coffee maker. 

I know I don't need to ask for your forgiveness. Your heart is so big and you're so loving. I am apologizing though. I never knew. That's the only reason I pushed so hard. You could have come to me. I'm not trying to put the blame on you at all, I take full responsibility. I never wanted you to be unhappy. Everything I hoped for was to make you happy not sad. I dreamed for, I know, and I pulled you into my dream and I was wrong, and I am so sorry for making you feel like you had to live to please me, but if you didn't want something, you should have told me. I would have rather I be unhappy for that moment, than you for the rest of your life. Whatever you want to do from this moment on, I want you to know that you will have my love in support for everything.

Yours etc.

She cried again after reading the note. But they were tears of joy. She felt like a new person when she walked out of the house that morning. For the first time she felt free. She knew that she would have to explain to her husband. She felt sorry about what she knew she would do, but to stay with him would be unfair to both him and herself. When she got home she told him what had happened and then quietly asked him to give her a divorce. 

He loved her. Her would give anything to make her happy. When she walked in that morning he saw she had changed. He saw the look in her eyes. For the first time in her life he saw true happiness, something he had been trying to give her since the first time they met. When she asked him for the divorce he knew that to try and keep her would be a trap. He wanted her to be free.

She moved out the next day. Awhile ago she had been given a job offer in New York and she accepted it. She got an apartment and began the process of settling into her new life. Waking up every day was joyful to her, because it meant another day of life, another day of freedom. She now fully understood what it felt like to be free. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Her nightmare stopped, and for the first time in a long time she dreamt her own dreams.


	6. freedom 6

She had never been so happy as she had been fro the past months. She did everything for herself, and found things she never knew about herself. She and her mother had reconciled. She had re-connected with old friends, and made new ones. Her editor said her writing had reached a new level. 

She had just got the mail. She went through it, the usual junk and bills. There was a news magazine. The item which held her attention was a letter from her lawyer. Her divorce had gone through. She smiled. She and her ex still talked occasionally. He understood what she did, why she did it. He was happy for her, that she had truly found herself. 

After looking through her mail she opened the magazine, and there he was. The article was an interview in light of his success. She eagerly read the article, taking in all she could from it. She remembered their conversation, the way it had affected her. She remembered their first and only kiss, how good it was, how bad it was. She finished the article, reading that he was currently living in New York city. 

Without thinking about it she found a telephone book to look up his address. She prayed he wasn't unlisted. As luck would have it, he wasn't, and it wasn't too far from her.

  
  


He opened the paper and began to read. He scanned the paper until he found her piece. She was good. He had followed her work since she had graduated. He hadn't talked to her in so many years, but he had never quite gotten over her. He had heard through the grape-vine about her divorce. He began to read the article, but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

  
  


She didn't know why she was here, but for some reason she felt like it was the right thing to do. She couldn't tell if she was more nervous or excited, but she didn't care. She knocked and after a moment heard footsteps from inside. The door opened and she froze. 

  
  


He opened the door and couldn't belie what he saw. He couldn't help the smile which overtook his face. There eyes met and both of them knew.

-"What took you so long." he said

she walked inside. 

-"I had a few stops on the way."

He closed the door.

The End.


End file.
